Imagine a new sales rep wandering the office like a lost puppy, laptop in hand, desperately looking for someone who gives a damn? Yeah, that was probably YOU once.

Let’s be real. We’ve all been there. First day. New job. High hopes. Then…

“Oh, you’re starting today? Hmm, I think your manager is on PTO this week.”

Epic. Freaking. Fail.

Here’s the thing: how you onboard says EVERYTHING about your company culture. It’s like dating – if they can’t be bothered to brush their teeth for the first date, imagine what you’re in for six months down the road.

What Should Actually Happen

A proper sales onboarding plan covers:

  1. Company DNA – Not just the mission statement BS, but who actually runs things, how decisions get made, and where the bodies are buried.
  2. Product reality – Not what Marketing says it does, but what it ACTUALLY does. And more importantly, what customers really buy it for.
  3. Team dynamics – Who to go to when you need something done yesterday, who to avoid before coffee, and who knows the secret to getting expense reports approved.
  4. Customer truths – The difference between what our ideal customer profile says and who actually signs the checks.
  5. Systems training that doesn’t make you want to stab your eyes out with a pencil.

What Usually Happens Instead

“Here’s your laptop. Password is ‘Welcome123.’ Training materials are on the shared drive somewhere. Good luck!”

Then they wonder why reps take 9 months to ramp instead of 3.

Do Better Than This, People

If you’re a sales leader reading this: your new hires are judging EVERYTHING about your organization in those first few days. And they should.

If you’re a new rep who walked into a dumpster fire: document exactly what sucked so you can fix it when you’re running the show someday.

The crazy thing about good onboarding? Not that hard. Welcome email. Buddy system. Scheduled 1:1s. Actual training plan. Basic human decency.

But apparently that’s too much for some organizations who’d rather wonder why their turnover is 40%.

Remember: how you welcome people tells them everything about whether they made the right choice joining your team.

Don’t be the reason someone updates their LinkedIn profile on day three.